Culture Shock

We are both Jewish. I am Ashkenazi. He is Persian. I like Noodle Kugal and he likes Chormeh Sabzi. I will not eat rice during Passover whereas he does. I kick my legs in the air and dance in a circle. He rolls his tongue at the top of his mouth while motioning his hands in a rhythmic way. Even with some of these cultural differences, we are both equal in our observance in keeping the Sabbath and kashut.

I have never dated someone who is of Sephardic origin, although I have friends and cousins whom are Iraqi, Moroccan, etc. Many questions have arisen since dating R, such as, can we intertwine our cultures? Should I secretly learn Farsi to understand what his family is saying about me?

Through my research I discovered that the biggest difference between Ashkenazi and Persian culture is family closeness. Both of our families live within a thirty-mile radius; however, he visits his family every weekend. There isn’t a question whether he is going to be there. I, on the other hand see my family maybe once a month. I have a choice.

In my opinion, some of the interesting features of intergrading the Ashkenazi and Persian culture are the language and the food. For example, my cousin who married into an Iraqi family some forty years ago, has four children. They were raised with both the Sephardic and Ashkenazi traditions. My cousins grew up speaking Yiddish, Hebrew and Arabic. When my female cousin got married, she had a traditional Sephardic wedding with a henna ceremony as well as the ceremony where the bride and groom circle each other and break the glass.
Part of being in a relationship is learning about each other’s cultures. I look forward to eating Baba Ganush and speaking Farsi as well as teaching R to like Gefilta Fish.

It is with some remorse that I tell you that my time has come to end writing the singles column. It is not because I am in a relationship, but exciting events are happening in my life. I am graduating Northeastern University in August with a Masters of Science in Leadership. I am also privileged to attend the Diplomatic Leadership Seminar through the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Jerusalem this summer. Thank you to the readers of the Jewish Advocate for your great ideas and feedback. Hopefully, one day my picture will be in the celebration section of the Jewish Advocate. Shalom my friends and best of luck to you finding the perfect date!

First Milestone

“Fine, I’m not going to talk to you all day tomorrow.” I exclaimed to Ruben over the phone. “Ya right! I bet you can’t hold to that promise.” Ruben stated sarcastically back to me. “Oh ya, you want to see? Goodnight.”

I threw the phone on the bed, stomped off to the bathroom, and cursed under my breath. The phrase never go to bed angry now makes sense because it only creates dark circles under ones eyes.

Ruben and I hit our first milestone, the first fight, however, it is worse over the phone because of unknown body language and no eye contact. For a relationship to bloom it is imperative to fight. Through my Masters program I learned that for a team to become a High Performing team they need to go through four stages: Forming, Storming, Norming and Performing. Without the storming stage a relationship, whether professional or personal, won’t move to the next level of understanding each other which is vital for the success of a relationship.

The next day, being the stubborn, hot-headed Scorpion woman I am, I did not call, text or email Ruben. It was hard at first but I found that I was more productive than usual at work and at home. That night I turned off my cell phone and left it at home while I went for a long walk around Brookline. I contemplated why after a long time of not having that special person to talk to everyday, it was hard for me to miss one day of not having some sort of contact with Ruben. I guess it is because I kind of care about him.

Anyway, I stuck to my word and did not contact him, however, he missed me a lot and texted me that night while I was watching my show. I told him I would call him after my show was over. Through this milestone Ruben and I learned a lot about each others communications styles, thresholds and how both of our stubborn personalities hinder our communication. The only aspect of this fight that is missing is the makeup kiss. I guess it will have to wait until I see him in a couple of weeks.

Making Eyes

Eyes are the gateway to the soul. This past weekend I attended a beautiful wedding. The couple did not have to say I love you to each other because I could see it in their eyes. Just by their eye contact I knew how much they cared for each other and that they were happy to be together.
Eye contact is a nonverbal form of communication that is of outmost importance when engaging in conversation whether on a date or in an interview. Pupils dilate when a person is aroused and studies have proven that people with dilated pupils are more attractive. As one of my coworkers mentioned, making eyes at someone across the room draws you to that person and gives you a glimpse of their magnetic personality. Eye contact is an essential part to a good date. If there is a lack of eye contact, then the date can go horribly bad.
My roommate, Erica, came home irritated the other night because Josh, a guy she has gone on a couple of dates with, looked at her in the eye only a hand full of times during their two hour date. Josh was facing the door and Erica was facing the back of the restaurant. Josh kept on looking past Erica at people going in and out of the door and at the people seated around him. He seemed distracted and inattentive to Erica. Erica asked him if there was something wrong. He said no, and shrugged his shoulders while looking down to cut into a piece of chicken. Erica knew from the lack of eye contact that there was not going to be another wasted evening with Josh. His lack of eye contact was unattractive, but also she knew his attention did not lye on her.
You don’t have to be an intuitive person to understand where your date’s or significant other’s attention is. All you have to do is follow their eyes. How do you act or what do you say when their eyes are focused on another person or the door? Do you imitate them and not give them the satisfaction of attentiveness? Through research, a.k.a. asking my friends, the conclusion is, make it into a joke. Laugh it off and that way you won’t come home irritated like Erica.

Googler beware

“Hey Esther, I don’t know if you remember me, but we met Saturday night. I hope this is your email, I googled you. Email me back if this is you and I would like to get together this week. – Todd”

The internet has changed the way we date, who we date, and how we research someone we are going on a date with. When I got the email from Todd I felt my personal life invaded, however I google guys that I meet to gain knowledge about them therefore I can not complain that I feel my personal life meddled in; although my personal life is known by all Jewish Advocate readers. To what extent has Google, Myspace and Facebook changed the way we date? Is the internet too invasive in our personal life?
Through searching google I have found people’s dissertations, college photos, resumes, and place of employment. I have not found anything too weird but I have heard stories of people finding disturbing photos and past employment.
The internet can be as invasive as you make it. CNN.com had an article last week about googling a date which stated one should take the information gathered on google with a grain of salt and be ready to handle information that can be disturbing. A person can be very excited about a person they met but if they google them and find something that concerns them they have to be prepared how to process that new found information.
So I googled Todd and found that his place of employment is legit, his high school running times and a research grant he wrote for a biology class. However, there was a reason I did not give Todd my contact information. Even if I was not dating R, Todd was parve. Also, when finding someone on google that you met at an event or bar, do not tell them you googled them. It is a tad on the stocker side.
Has google diminished the “old fashion way” of gathering information? About five years ago people started researching each other through google instead of conversing with each other about their lives. I use google as a tool but not as an indicator of the person’s likes and dislikes, personality, or pass judgment on their google outcomes.

My life as a Golden Girl

One of my goals in life is to be a Golden Girl. Growing up, I faithfully watched Blanche, Rose, Sophia and Dorothy every Sunday night and thought to myself how nice it would be to live in Florida with my camp friends when I retire. Research shows that women live longer than men and though I haven’t met my husband yet, I’ve already come to terms that he will probably die before me and what better way to spend the latter part of my life than laughing with friends?

Last Friday night, I had the honor to speak at Temple Sons of Israel in Peabody about lessons I’ve learned through my singles journey. While schmoozing with the congregation during Oneg Shabbat a few older-aged women shared with me their struggles with finding datable men who want the long-term commitment. At first I was shocked by their challenges but I realized regardless of age, most women just want a sense of companionship. While on my way home, I began envisioning my life as a single Golden Girl having the same battles with dating as I’m having right now.

I know that Blanche was not the most pristine woman and Rose had difficulty with dating after her husband passed, but I never thought beyond their laughable antics, to the lonely side without male companionship. I think of the ‘Golden Girl’ stage as a period of carefree, enjoyable times with grandchildren and mahjong, but being a 75 year old woman, searching internet dating sites is not something I want to be doing in my Floridian retirement community.

Older men may want younger women but age doesn’t matter when you’re young at heart. My concerns about who I date are different then a 75 year old woman’s. Whereas I’m looking for someone to start a family with, they’re looking for someone they can enjoy their remaining years with.

My current boyfriend ‘R’ informed me that his great-grandfather lived until he was 112 years old. Perhaps if our relationship progresses and we end up tying the knot, I may not live that charmed single Golden Girl life that Blanche, Rose, Sophia and Dorothy lead but instead grow old with my future husband, which I guess wouldn’t be so bad.